Hany szurrealista kell egy villanykorte kicserelesehez?
Elefant.


Egy hires vadaszt afrikai utjarol kerdezik baratai.
-Es mit lottel Afrikaban?
-Lottem ket elefantot, harom antilopot, egy oroszlant es ket noplizt.
-Noplizt? Hat az meg milyen allat?
-Pici fekete kis allat s ahanyszor rafogom a puskat uvolteni kezd, hogy
"nopliz, nopliz."


Kopogtat egy szivar es egy elegetett piritos a rak ajtajat kora hajnalban.
-Hat ti kik vagytok?
-Mi vagyunk a rakkeltok.


> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Koranyi Balazs                    email:
Rutgers University                New Brunswick, New Jersey

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in
the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing served to
confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

1.    Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
      tree I don't have.
2.    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
      intention.
3     I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when
      I put my head through it.
4.    I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5.    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6.    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7.    The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
      times before I hit him.
8.    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-
      in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9.    I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10.   I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way
      home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up
      obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11.   I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the
      wheel and had an accident.
12.   I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my
      universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13.   As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in
      a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable
      to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14.   To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
      pedestrian.
15.   My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16.   An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and
      vanishe
17.   I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
      hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18.   I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
      side of the road when I struck him.
19.   The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran
      over him.
20.   I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off
      the hood of my car.
21.   In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
      car with a big mouth.
22.   I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
      found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23.   The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve
      out of its way when it struck my front end.

Szervusztok !

A munka nem fasz ! Akar egy honapig is allhat !


Ennek jegyeben egy kis olvasnivalo, mindenkinek kellemes mazsolazsat:

P




> > 
> >                THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
> > 
> > What's a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
> >  Her ankles.
> > What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
> >  1>You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
> >  2>You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
> >  3>You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
> > How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
> >  You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
> >  the gutter and they always come back for more.
> > What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
> >  Sorority girls cost less per score.
> > What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
> >  About 40 lbs.
> > How do you equalize the two?
> >  Feed the elephant.
> > What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
> >  1>Introduce herself.
> >  2>Walks home.
> > What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
> >  Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.  
> > How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
> >  She drops her nail file.
> > What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
> >  "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
> > What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
> >  Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
> > Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
> >  'Cause everyone gets a turn.
> > How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
> >  Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a 
> >  twinkie on the bed.
> > Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
> >  You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
> > What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
> >  Garbage gets taken out once a week.
> > What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
> >  Bay of Pigs.
> > What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
> >  Multiple total eclipses.
> > What is a sorority girl's mating call...
> >  "I'm soooo drunk,  I'm sooooo drunk!"
> > What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
> >  After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
> > What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
> >  1>Nothing.  There are some things a sorority girl/lawyer won't do.
> >  2>I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
> >  3>I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop 
> >    until it gets blood.
> > The Hambit of Tri-Delt jokes:
> >  1>Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
> >  2>If your date won't, Tri Delts.
> >  3>Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
> >         4> __________         __________
> >            \        /   /\    \        /
> >             \      /   /  \    \      /
> >              \    /   /    \    \    /
> >               \  /   /      \    \  /
> >                \/   /________\    \/
> >            Tri Delts:  Two out of three go down.
> > What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
> >  Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
> > How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
> >  1>Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
> >  2>7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
> >  3>65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
> >  4>One.  She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
> >  5>Six.  One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
> >  6>Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to
> >    get her boyfriend to do it.
> > Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
> >  She's been laid all over the country.
> > What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
> >  "Attention K-mart shoppers"
> > Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
> >  So she can fantasize about shopping.
> > What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
> >  Facing Bloomingdale's.
> > What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
> >  Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
> > What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
> >  1>The Dead Sea
> >  2>Lake Michigan
> >  3>Lake Placid
> > How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
> >  She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
> > What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
> >  No makeup.
> > What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
> >  Nail polish.
> > How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
> >  Marry her.
> > Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
> >  Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
> > What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
> >  1>You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
> >  2>Only one person can use a telephone at once.
> > What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
> >  A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
> > What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
> >  1>Garbage smells better.
> >  2>Sorority girl attract more flies.
> > What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
> >  1>Nothing. They both suck.
> >  2>You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
> >  3>You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
> >  4>When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
> >  5>A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
> > How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
> >  1>Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
> >  2>Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.
> > What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a
> >  sorority girl track team?
> >  The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
> > What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
> >  In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
> >  sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
> > Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
> >  To keep her ankles warm.
> > What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
> >  Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
> > What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common?
> >  They both swallow semen.
> > What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
> >  A case of Schlitz.
> > What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley?
> >  You don't eat parsley.
> > Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
> >  They are both stuck up cunts.
> > What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
> >  "Have another beer."
> > What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
> >  Reservations.
> > Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
> >  So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.
> > What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
> >  Thirty minutes of begging.
> > What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
> >  Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt.
> > What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority 
girl?
> >  A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're
> >  done already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll
> >  paint the ceiling beige."
> >

Sajnos nekem nem esett le a tantusz:

- Mi lesz az uj reklamszlogen, ha a NESTLE es az ESKIMO egyesul ?
- .... ?
- Vegyel meg egy MAGNUM-ot es fogd ra a nyuszira !!!

Gondolom ehhez ismerni kene a jelenlegi szlogeneket?! ; - ((

Homalyositson fol valaki pliiiiiz!
Pista

A maffiozo a fianak a tizen hatodik szuletesnapjara egy geppisztolyt ad
ajandekba. Nehany nap mullva a fiu boldogan ujsagolja az apjanak:
- Nezd Apa, milyen szuper orara csereltem a geppisztolyt!
- Fiam, hogy tehettel ilyet?! Mi lesz ha valaki az anyadat fogja szidni? Akkor
majd megmondod neki a pontos idot?!!!

Doktor ur oriasi problemam van! Bebi meretu a nemi szervem...
52 cm es harom es fel kilo!!!

Kohn elmegy apjanak a legjobb baratjahoz, Grun bacsihoz.
Panaszkodik neki, hogy a munkahelyen szekirozzak a (melymagyar, szekely,
pannon) kollegai.
-Edes fiam fogadd meg az en vilag felfogasomat: Szerintem az
emberek ket csoportra oszthatoak. Az egyik feluk kinyalhatja a seggemet, a
masik feluk pedig le van szarva.  Tetszik is az idea Kohnnak, de aztan
megkerdezi.
-Szep, szep Grun bacsi, de en, mint a legjobb baratod fia, melyik
csoportba tartozom?
-Edesfiam te, te valaszthatsz!...
(A valasztasok apropojara...)

Kohn imadkozik az istenehez: Uram tudod, hogy soha nem vetkeztem, csaladomat
is neked tetszoen nevelem, minden parancsolatodat betartom evek ota. Tudod sose
kertem semmit. Hadd kerjek egy valamit toled. Egyszer egy Lotto otost...(270
millio Ft)
Eltellik egy het es a Kohn ujra imadkozik: O uram, hat egyszer kerek
toled valamit es azt sem vagy hajlando teljesiteni...
Mire megnyillik az eg es megszolal az Ur: Kohn adj nekem is egy eselyt, vegy
egy szelvenyt!!!

Udv
Orzo Laszlo

-Miert vannak sokan a Ewingok ?
-Mert elli az anyjuk.

-Miert nem rug golt Bobby ?
-Mert Jenna ved.

A mai vers :

Hogyha egyszer megoregszem,
nekem is lesz velorexem.

A mai poen :

A hulyegyereket allatkertbe viszi anyukaja.A debil gyerek megszolal
meg debilebb hangjan:
- Anyuuu.Miazott?Nyuuul?
- Nem kisfiam.Az zsira'f.
- Hehe.Mekkora nyuuul.


Parasztbacsi felvesz egy diakot a szekerre az ut szelen.Mennek.
Meg mindig mennek...
Egyszer csak,vicc gyanant,a diak megkerdezi:
- Oregapam!Tudja maga mi a kulonbseg egy vodor szar meg maga kozott?
- Nem.
- A vodor.
Erre nagyon begurul az oreg,de nem akar durva lenni,ezert azon tori a 
fejet,hogy mivel vagjon vissza.
Es mennek...
Akkor eszebe jut az oregnek,hogy:
 - Fiam!Tudod,mi a kulonbseg a fuszal meg tekozotted?
 - Nem.
 - A fuszal az zold,neked meg a kurva anyadat!!!
 
 Es egy utolso:
 
 Brutalis Jeno,a vadmalac fut az erdoben,es azon gondolkozik,kinek 
teekerje ki a nyakat.Egyszercsak eletoppan az erdo korzeti jotundere.
- Te kismalac,kivanhatsz valamit.
- Grrrr...Dogolj meg,tunderke!

Ennyi.
                              A nagy M
hhhhh

Es meg ami kimaradt :

Mi a szuzesseg mertekegysege?
- Volt.

Es a menstruacioe?
- Watta.

Na majd holnap.Sziasztok,hiveim...  
                                       A nagy Mhhhhh

EGY ember fuldoklik a Balatonban.
Meglatja a halaszokat,es odakialt nekik segitsegert:
- HALASZOK! HALASZOK!
Mire a halaszok:
- Mi is, de mi nem kiabalunk...

Ket rendor talalkozik. Az egyik trefabol megkerdi:
 Mondd komam, hany gombocot tudsz megenni ehgyomorra ?
 Nyolcat.
 Nem igaz, csak egyet ! A tobbit mar nem ehgyomorra eszed.

A rendornek nagyon tetszik a poen, ezert ugy dont o is elmondja a
baratainak az orszoban:
- Mondd Pista, hany gombocot tudsz megenni ehgyomorra ?
 Hatot.
 De kar, hogy nem nyolcat mondtal, akkor tudtam volna egy jo viccet.


Old meg mind ! Isten majd szetvalogatja...


- Kedvesem, te a szepeket, vagy az okosakat szereted ?
- Egyiket sem, en teged szeretlek aranyom.


Bessenyei Zsolt

- Mi a kulonbseg a felso tizezer es a noi labak kozott ?
- ???
- Semmi. Egyiket sem kritizalni kell, hanem bejutni kozejuk.


- Lattad mar a patyomkint ?
- Nem.
- Varj, mindjart elovetyem.


Egyetemi oktatok mondtak:

- Lehet, hogy annyira tetszeni fog maguknak az tananyag, hogy megismetlik
  a felevet.

- Akik ismerik, biztosan hallottak rola.

- Nyakafantos helyzetben vagyunk.

- Duhongve meltanyolni akarja.

- Magyarra kifejezve magunkat.

- Ha 2 vektor parhuzamos, akkor egyiranyu. (Ezt a velemenyet tobbszor
  megismetelte !)

- Jeloljuk a ket ismeretlent U-val es V-vel. Vagy inkabb megsem ?
  (U.V. = Uto Vizsga)

- Ezt allomanynak nevezik, magyarul file.


Bessenyei Zsolt